M.C. Trashy

Imagine, if you would, a vacation destination called Arizona Planet. It consists of old, bleached out, dirt roads, a diner, and a Hopi Indian museum/gift shop. Inside the diner you can buy the finest beers, but only two 18 packs of Coors at a time please - state law, you know. Also behind the counter is the prettiest middle-aged actress in all the land, Diane Lane.

In this fantasy world I began dating Diane Lane after impressing her with some pick up line. My dream further revealed to me that we had already worked together on some other movie in the past which I could not remember. Through a series of flashbacks it became apparent that Diane Lane and I were not who we thought we were. In three different iterations of my diner-table-wooing of Ms. Lane, I witnessed our appearances become more and more disheveled, until the point where it became clear that we were merely characters being portrayed by ragged-looking bums.

Then, to my surprise, Diane Lane displayed a fourth transformation within her powers: that of M.C. Trashy, a talking trash can. Apparently she had been using this alter ego to try to provide peace and understanding to the homeless, but only infuriated them more. The talking trash can and I tried to maintain our relationship, but it was too much. M.C. Trashy was all about putting herself down and misunderstanding that "trashy" is not slang for "cool." Quoth M.C. Trashy: "This homeless shelter is really 'trashy.'"

After this flashback, we realized that our entire love was a ruse, cleverly set up by the homeless of the world to wreak havoc on our already-frizzed minds. Diane Lane and I split up, never to speak again.

Then I had a dream where my friend Dan was working at a brain microchip company where they gave their employees discount chips. He was thinking about giving up cable tv for a year to afford the discounted chip. My other friends and I pleaded him not to, telling him: "Nobody ever said, 'Gee, I'm so glad I replaced television with this agonizing brain trauma!'"